It's like remix of your favorite song.
SINKING. SINKING. SINKING.
When you watched the first of the Kaiju franchise, I loved the big robots that battled the scary Kaijus that emerged from the the ocean... I have watched the Vulcan mind-meld so the neural handshake was a concept you bought into. But this Uprising is like watching someone else play your video-game and do it so badly you groan and you groan and you groan. There's too much CGI, too many soul-less Robots and too many cadets who want to save the world.
'If my dad were alive, he'd give a speech,'says Jake Pentecost (John Boyega) who plays the rebel without a pause (you just wish his CGI mom would show up and smack him hard). You miss the charismatic Idris Elba who played the dad in the original film and you wish this dumb son had died instead. So Jake is a thief and when he's not trading gadgets for Oreos and Sriracha sauce (seriously? They wanted us to believe this was a post apocalyptic world?!). And nobody missed the terrible Salt Bae impression with Sprinkles. Ugh.
So Jake bumps into another motorbike-borne thief who turns out to be a girl. Predictable? This is just the beginning. She's fixed an old Jaeger that is small in size. Of course they get caugh and are sent off to becoming Jaeger pilots. There is a cliched bunch of cadets (of course there are Chinese and even an Indian cadet. Because, marketing!), the same ole aggression and fighting and of course there are speeches about 'In here, we're family!'
You puke into your popcorn.
Of course there is a shady Chinese Corporation trying to take over the world and a mad scientist who is so obvious in his 'mad' scheme that even the usher in the theatre could guess without having seen the movie. The worst part is, you miss the strange resemblance with someone famous on the good-looking guy because there's so much CGI. So many neon dials in the air to twist and turn, and more wire scenes than Cirque Du Soleil.
And you miss the Kaijus. In the original film, you felt a coldness creep over you as the Kaijus emerged from the Ocean. It was a scary thing going back home on the Worli Sea-Link after having seen the original film. You wished there were saviors like Idris Elba. In this film, you yawn. The moment you saw the rogue Jaeger emerge from the ocean, you figured out it was actually being operated by Kaijus. D-uh!
Then they imply that there may be a third film in the franchise. This time you puke into your coffee cup. Thankfully, it's empty. Poor Idris Elba! So many of us must have remembered him in the original film that he must be getting hichkis. Oh. That is another film.
(One star because you remember Idris Elba so much. And yes, the handsome lad is Clint Eastwood's son.)